The Nature of Lessons Learned
by searingidolatry
Summary: Post 'Hells Bells': Xander considers his reasons for not marrying Anya
1. Default Chapter

**TITLE: THE NATURE OF LESSONS LEARNED PART 1: MIDDLE**

**AUTHOR: SEARINGIDOLATRY**

**FEEDBACK: YES PLEASE! SEARINGIDOLATRY@BOLT.COM**

**SPOILERS: SEASON 6, EPISODE 16 (X/A WEDDING EPISODE)**

**COMMENTS: FROM XANDERS PERSPECTIVE - BASED ON RUMOURS/SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 16**

Have you ever walked down the street, maybe its drizzling softly or the sun could be shining down on your back, and out the corner of your eye you see an old friend, a compadre from long ago. Then…BAMMM! Before you can speak, before the words are fully formed in your mind or pursed on you lips, something makes you stop from calling out to them, that little voice at the back of our mind that tells you _"don't do it. You'll make an ass out of yourself. Don't you dare say a word"_. And you look again, squinting your eyes, skin wrinkling at the corners, and you *know* then its not them, just a stranger with a familiar face. Ghosts from the past forcing themselves to the front of your memory, playing with you as if you were some exquisite toy.

This is how I always felt about Spike.

I didn't really know him, no one did that I had met, maybe someone in his extended 'life' had. Possibly even Dru, but I doubted it. She barely knew what day it was from what I'd seen of her. And yet here was, week in, week out. I couldn't consider him a friend…that would suggest we were friendly. And everyone knows I don't keep demons as friends. Before you say anything, Anya doesn't count - **EX** demon. Those two little letters, so vital, so important. Yet alone they're not even a word.

The pattern had been established long since, offhand insults, muttered curses and a general philosophy of 'laise faire' - leave well alone. So you can imagine how low I had to be feeling, so beyond despair and engulfed by depression that I would choose to confide in him. Spike, demon, vampire, most definite non-friend and general all round bad-guy - even if it was a bad guy on a leash. Next time I'd write to a magazine…"Dear Jenny, Agony Aunt to troubled teens and twenty-something….". 

If only it were so simple.


	2. The Nature of Lessons Learned Part 2

**TITLE: THE NATURE OF LESSONS LEARNED PART 2: BEGINNING**

**AUTHOR: SEARINGIDOLATRY**

**FEEDBACK: YES PLEASE! SEARINGIDOLATRY@BOLT.COM**

**SPOILERS: SEASON 6, EPISODE 16 (X/A WEDDING EPISODE)**

**COMMENTS: FROM XANDERS PERSPECTIVE - BASED ON RUMOURS/SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 16**

Waking up alone in a sleazy hotel room has never been high on my 'To Do' list. Walking out on my bride-to-be during our Wedding Day wasn't top of my priorities either. But I knew, I knew why I walked and maybe it didn't have half as much to do with the demon's meddling as I pretended it did. I was waking up to a lot more than bad décor, faded stained sheets and carpet the colour of mulch that morning.

I had been waiting for an excuse, any excuse that would make me seem a little less like the Bad Guy when I said "Sorry honey, this is going too fast for my liking, lets slow this down a touch". Lets be honest, I really wanted to say "Sorry honey, its over", but even I don't have the nerve to say that to a vengeance demon…ex or otherwise. Did I love her? Yes. Enough to spend the rest of my life with her? No. Forever is a long time, especially living on a Hellmouth. There were some other issues, personal worries and traumas that I just didn't feel comfortable sharing with her; and, as far as I was concerned, if you can't share your innermost secrets with someone, you shouldn't share your life with them either.

And yet, here I was, sharing them with Spike. But I'm skipping ahead now, let's go back, back to the scuzzy room. I woke up. I wondered where I was. I remembered where I was. I remembered why I was where I was. That's a lot of thought for me first thing in the AM. I made a positive decision to get the hell outta that room STAT.

I wandered aimlessly around town, soaking up the typically sunny Californian weather and trying to think as little as possible. Normally this would be an easy task, but not today. I sat down on a park bench, after all with the sun shining it looked a lot less threatening than usual, what with the distinct lack of nasties around. And there I sat until I looked up and found that it had suddenly got kinda dark. Upon checking my watch I found it had also 'suddenly' got late, how long had I been sat there?

I decided to get somewhere a bit safer than the local vamp snack park and headed to wards the nearest bar - anything to avoid going home right now. I got myself a beer ('cause beer isn't *always* bad) and resumed doing sweet F.A. At least until Spike walked in.

"So whats your problem then? The bint chuck you out, did she? Can't blame her" - Mr Sublety he ain't.

_To be continued…_


End file.
